So if you’re dating an otaku, are you worth any less?

Get ready for a long post!

I just read on my daily visit to Sankaku Complex about a girl complaining about her worth as an otaku’s girlfriend. She put up a Help Wanted post on a forum that went something like this (original Japanese version here):

“He’s 4 years younger than me, he’s boy-faced and really cute, takes care of his hair and clothes – he’s stylish.

He would talk about music, movies, the latest trends, and knew all about them; he was captivating so it was a natural choice to date him. With a younger boyfriend who’s really cute, every day was full of happiness for me.

After 3 months, his true self emerged. He’s an otaku.

Like the sort you’d see at Akihabara. He doesn’t look it, but he’s into anime and cosplay. I think he even goes to their events.

And on his desktop wallpaper he has gross anime pictures – pink and purple haired miko.

When I saw this, I was so shocked, I thought I’d cry!

He’s stylish and was introduced to me by a friend, but after finding out his true nature I’m really afraid people might think I’m the same. I wish he’d told me at the start he was an otaku.

I don’t have much experience of romance, I feel anxious about these things. And I have been wondering about marriage lately too.

My boyfriend is kind, I love him. But if my friends found out about him I get the impression I’d lose worth in their eyes.

Are women dating otaku worth less?”

I’m happy to see that replies to this so-called helpless lass have been pretty captivating and matured so far (unlike in many Internet forums). Most of them of course sided with the fact that hobbies differ from person to person and does not derail a man of his value.

I think humans (yes, that includes me) are very shallow creatures. It takes only one bad apple to make you hate apples. Twin towers gone, boom, Islam is a shitty religion in a blink of an eye. Some Christians want to call their God “Allah”, and bam, churches get burnt. In turn, pig heads turn up in suraus. It just never ends, this chain of immaturity. When will it stop?

Awwwww Hazmer, you really like me huh?
Then you must be a faggot.

And it goes down to the smallest of matters. For example, in this case, those who look down on a bunch of us who like anime. For me, it’s never wrong to respect somebody for their interests (e.g. I look up to my three cousins for their exquisite taste), but it hurts to know that some people just diss others for liking moe anime. Many forums are full of shitheads like this. Seriously, who the hell do they think they are? You liking Ludacris and me liking Hidamari Sketch doesn’t make you a better person.

Anyway, I wanna talk about the picture painted here in Japan.

From my stay in Tokyo for almost 1 and a half years, I can say this with full confidence and utmost certainty: Japanese people care about their image A LOT. At least moreso than the average Malaysian or westerner.

Nothing sums it up better than one of the replies posted:

「日本人は空気に影響されやすいと言われています。」

Translation: The Japanese are easily influenced by their surroundings. They’re affected by the environment around them, and in turn it affects their surroundings. You can easily see it in their media, where handsome men and beautiful ladies grace the TV almost 80% of the time. And as my cousin Dzaid puts it, and I agree with him, they KNOW it. They KNOW that they look good and they want to show it off, rather pretentiously I may add.

But it can’t be helped. Their emphasis on visuals dates way back. The Japanese call this trait Wabisabi, and it affects how they view their world. Just a simple bloom of a single Sakura flower represents many aspects of life: new love, new uniform, the dying of old habits, etc. It affects their art, from Haiku all the way to their current slice-of-life anime, where they elaborate on the smallest things. Autumn may just be a season to a foreigner, but it means a million and one things to a Japanese.

I think this might be my favourite aspect of Japanese culture, hence why I love slice-of-life shows to begin with.

To a Japanese, image begins with your own and how you conduct yourself in front of others. I studied Japanese long enough to know that the language is designed with image in mind. If you study the language with the mere intention of translating your English sentences, you’re doing it wrong.  There are many ways to say something, and you gotta look out for the circumstances that surround the situation.

The respect and humble speech patterns. Oh the horror. And this is only the beginning, yo.

For example, praising a book written by your professor compared to one written by your friend. If you think it just involves replacing words and grammar structures, you’re dead wrong. In Japanese society, you’re not in a position to judge your professor’s book, so instead of saying “I think it’s a very good book 先生の本は素晴らしいと思います。”, you say “Your book has been a great study for me 先生の本はいい勉強になりました。”. You won’t sound pompous, and in turn you honour your professor’s presence. Your image, his image.

And yes, the language changes its form when you talk to a superior, to a junior, to a friend, to a stranger on the streets, etc. Even within the same conversation to your superior, if you want to imply that your superior is eating, you have to use a totally different vocab compared to the one implying that you yourself are eating. Your superior is more epic, so him “eating” is an epic act that deserves a more epic phrase. Unlike many other languages which apply this during the olden times, this rule still applies to the modern Japanese conversation.

To not sound so arrogant, the Japanese hate to take full responsibility for anything. Their popular phrases include と思います (I think), かも (maybe) and たぶん (probably). Even if they KNOW they’re 110% sure, they bring it down to 50%, at most 80%. My Japanese sensei taught us that instead of saying “I can speak English 英語が喋られます。”, say “It’s not that I don’t speak good English, but… 英語が喋られないことはないんですが”. Don’t sound *too* sure that you’re good in English, and always say that you heard such comments from a friend.

You may think all this is a weird result of a layered society, but I think taking care of one’s image as well as others’ has always been the strong point of the Japanese. Good sense of humility, politeness, low crime rate and their clean streets are all thanks to this very trait. Unfortunately, it is also their very downfall.

Good thing about being a foreigner is that the Japanese sometimes put off their mask when they talk to you. “I hate the rules of the society”, “I hate acting, I wish I could speak my mind”. My senseis and friends have mentioned this before, and I bet my Miyako plushie that you will never hear that from a Japanese if you’re Japanese yourself.

Thanks guys.

Going back to the whole dating-otaku scenario, if you think about the circumstances, it’s not her fault for thinking that way. After all, otakus in Japan have always carried a bad image. No surprise really, we have otakus marrying game characters and dating anime pillows all the way to the public swimming pool, you know, the *very few* bad apples, so to speak. Magazines, forums, all forms of media have criticized the otaku culture for the longest time.

Saki has normal friends who know that she's dating an otaku. Reality might not be as forgiving.

Even if the lady in question thinks it’s not so bad, her friends will. The principal of “not caring about what other people say” is all good and dandy, but in Japanese reality it’s easier said than done. Can a Japanese lady live life knowing that others will condemn her behind her back? One could say “those who do that are not her real friends”, but she might end up with no friends at all!

We’re talking about a country where champion sumo wrestlers quit because of mere scandals here.

Otakus are mocked SO badly that when I was referring to advice from a book on writing Japanese resumes, it mentioned “if you’re planning to write ‘reading manga’ or ‘watching anime’ in the Hobbies section, you really lack common sense“. Even the anime Genshiken poked at this, with Madarame saying “Hmm, maybe I should write ‘appreciation for the arts’ after all”.

The Japanese are quick at judging people by their looks. You wearing an anime T-shirt is like you hanging a sign around your neck saying “You come near me, you will smell like me too”. If you’re a girl pulling a luggage bag in Ikebukuro, you’re most probably a Boy’s Love doujinshi lover and are to be avoided at all cost. I have one such classmate and she complains about hearing such comments all the time.

Sadly, this very thinking has also affected the west and also my home country Malaysia, especially of recent years thanks to all the bad apples. People who like moe anime are looked down upon by those who think they’re better human beings. “To each their own”, “whatever floats your boat”, “different strokes for different folks”, they all bear no meaning in today’s society, it seems.

My Japanese otaku friend and his non-otaku cousin had a fight recently as to what he will do with all his anime figures if he gets a non-otaku girlfriend. Of course, the general consensus is that in a relationship you have to accept someone for who he really is, bad parts and all. Ok so you hate Jennifer Lopez, but I ain’t gonna tear my posters down for you (example ok!). Sadly, this does not apply here in Japan. Best you keep all your figures in a box if you wanna keep going with the relationship.

And this is why a women being single in their 30s here is normal. According to a magazine, most Japanese agree that women here care too much about their partner’s reputation, looks and salary. It’s safe to say that this is one of the important reasons behind the horrible declining birth rate here.

Very unlike his dad Jimmy Choo, who's making designer shoes. Regardless, he's living his dream and is making a living out of it!

I can’t bring myself to become someone like Danny Choo, a person who openly admits himself being an otaku in front of many Japanese people. I love anime, A LOT A LOT. Does that make me an otaku? But in the Japanese mind, an otaku is someone who loves a 2D character on a romantic level, owns many anime pillows, gets held up in his own room without lights on, jerking off to some flashing anime panties. I don’t condemn these guys, but I’m not at such level of fandom. So what am I now? Still an otaku?

Should I even admit that I like anime to a Japanese the first time we meet?

When it comes down to it, I love this country for all its worth, but this is one aspect that I just couldn’t stand. On one side of the coin, their appreciation for the arts got me interested in their culture, but strangely enough it also pulls me out of it. Their emphasis on reputation and image knows no bounds, to a point where it has created a black hole void of personal freedom and expression.

Though seriously, otakus should also know their boundaries. Balance in life is important, being out of balance is what makes you a lesser human being, at least to the public eye. Expressing them is ok, but I’m sure many of you agree that forcing your interests on others is a big no-no.

Before I end this post, I should try to be a little more Japanese and conclude all the above with one big… “と思います！(I think!)”.

Btw, for those new to the site, I need to approve your comment once before it appears. Any subsequent comments need no authorization. If you submitted and your text disappears, don’t panic :) It’ll appear soon!